Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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