forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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