Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
