I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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