Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
