I wish I could teleport
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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