I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
