If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
