I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
