did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
