4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
