so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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