I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Green mimosas i think yes
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
