it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
