so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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