I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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