i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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