i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
