sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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