Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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