The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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