I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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