you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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