She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize