benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
