i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he fucked my hip out of place.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
