got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
