I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
