why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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