ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
