Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I forgot wine drunk hurts
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
