His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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