did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
