Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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