She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
