I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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