dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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