also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
