you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
