Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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