I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
