I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
