her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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