Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
