I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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