Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
being pregnant is like rehab
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
