just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
