I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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