i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
