I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
