I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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