he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
