Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I have aggressive nipples.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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