So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You're breaking my sexual little heart
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
