The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
