you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize