I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
