I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
