I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
