i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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