I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
