listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
